TF2 Newbs (Team Fortress 2) Blog

It’s been a while since part 1 of this series was posted. And yet, we’ve all survived. Somehow.

Melodrama aside, let’s talk about some more of the stuff we silly Newbs say, so that strangers will have an idea what we’re going on about. We’re happy, you’re happy, everybody’s happy. Especially happy engie.

Man that guy’s happy.

So, I forget what we covered last time, but that’s in the past, so it matters less than the future. Unless you’re a historian, in which case you already know what we covered last time. You can write an essay about it. You have all semester, it’s worth 10% of your final grade, and you can have unlimited deadline extensions. But you won’t write it, will you?

This bitter flashback to history majors I knew in university is completely unrelated to our first Newb-centric term.

A Crab Battle is, quite simply, a melee fight. It works best if you’re in a sewer or tunnel, but really, if people are fighting with fists and axes and shovels, it’s a crab battle. This one was popularized by our good friend of many names, Grey Devil/Crab/Comrade Crab/Bag’o'Crabs/Got Crabs/King Crab/you get the point. It’s loosely based on this video.

Just a note, it’s considered very rude to interrupt a crab battle, so if you shoot a melee fight you’ll likely get yelled at and/or called a baby. Such is life.

Following the melee theme, let’s talk about Uberwanking. This is what some people call “medic chaining” or some other boring term. This is, of course, that thing where two medics with ubersaws uber and melee non-stop. I forget who came up with the term, but I know I did my part in popularizing it.

Anyway, uberwanking is pretty lame, and I’m glad it’s not done too much these days. Danke, dummkopf.

Speaking of medics, all aboard the Pain Train! Also called a Medic Train, or a Sewer Party. This one’s kind of out of date, since nobody really says it much anymore. Anyway, this was that happy occurrence where a medic would gather up a horde of willing accomplices, and go charging through the 2fort sewers intent on busting some heads. This one is all Dingo.

The proper response to a call of “all aboard the medic train” is, of course, “Woo woo”.

This last one only really happens when the admins are the only ones on the server, and are bored. Or waiting for people. Or other situations, I guess. Anyway, Skybox Shenanigans happen when someone noclips into the skybox and starts building dispensers in the mini models.

Didn’t understand a single thing I just said? It’s okay, I am qualified to give you a quick lesson in TF2 map terminology. Aren’t you lucky?

Anyway, noclip is a standard fps concept. It basically lets you walk through walls. And floors. And ceilings.
The skybox is the area around the map. It’s generally a picture of the sky, and it surrounds the map so that no matter where you look, you see sky.
The mini models are a set of map objects that are generated outside of the map. These are small things that are embedded in the skybox, so that when you look outside the map, you see interesting stuff on the horizon. Due to ow they’re rendered, the mini models are shown in the skybox at a very large size, so they look normal. Stuff like the silos on 2fort or the train on gravelpit are mini models. Maybe the ship on granary too, but I’ve never checked it.

When you build things in the mini models, they are also shown at a much larger size, giving the illusion that there are enormous dispensers or teleporters off in the distance. It’s a hilarious visual effect, and not good for much else than goofing around, really.

I should have written this article a long time ago, since some of these terms are used a whole lot anymore, so if you give me suggestions now, I’ll get another installment out real quick-like. Promise.

This post was written while listening to this.
Good times.