Authored by Moe Fuggas - Exclusively for the Newbs TF2 members of Team [nes]. Go get em tiger

PLEASE NOTE : I BONED UP ON THE MAP COLOURS SO RED DRAWINGS ARE BLUE AND BLUE DRAWINGS ARE RED, PROPER TEAMS IN DESCRIPTIONS. IMPORTANT WORDS IN CAPS.


2FORT



1 Scout
1 Engi
2 Soldiers
1 Medic
1 Pyro

We will always be Blue. ALWAYS.
DON'T fall into the water, it's lava and it'll kill you instantly, just a heads up. ALWAYS go across the top of the bridge regardless of what class you are, and ALWAYS enter through the battlements (WATCH FOR FREAKIN WALLSNIPERS). I dont give a damn if you cant get your fatass up there, YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. Soldiers need to be constantly spamming rawkets. IF YOU'RE NOT SPAMMING, YOU'RE PLAYING WRONG! Our team can either do 2 things, depending on what our ENGINEER does.

1. The Engi can build on our battlements, so enemy scouts cant get across the bridge, and as a result the rest of the team needs to TURTLE in the intel room. They can't win if they can't GET to our intel!

2. The Engi builds in the enemy intel room, resulting in our team camping the living hell out of their base. The pyro needs to be in the spy zone, as bait our spy-checker, and our talented, good-looking scout needs to camp where the X is. They can't win if they can't CAP our intel!

DUSTBOWL

PART 1 - CAP 1



ATTACKING

1 Scout
1 Demo
2 Soldiers
1 Medic
1 Sniper

ALWAYS go through the top door. If there are enemy stickies on the top door, shove the demoman out so he can take one for the team. Black guy dies first, right? RIGHT. After that, just follow the red path on the battle plan and you're golden. They'll never see it coming. Trust Me.

DEFENDING

1 Scout
2 Soldiers
1 Demo
1 Engi
1 Medic

Demo needs to put stickies on the bottom door. Nobody ever comes out the side door, so no need to worry. Ever. Engi builds his SG on the green x , to protect our ass flank.

All other classes, stand on the freakin' point and SPAM THE SHIT OF THAT TOP DOOR. YES, EVEN THE MEDIC.

PART 1 - CAP 2



ATTACKING

BUM RUSH. Don't even concern yourselves with anything but the point. Keep. Running. Towards. It. MAGGOTS.

DEFENDING

Engi builds his SG on the X to protect from SPAHS.

The Demoman is the most important player here. The Medic should be on him AT ALL TIMES. Each blue circle in the picture represents ONE (1) STICKY BOMB from the ONE (1) Demoman. As you can see, if the Demo dies, most of the defence goes along with him. Everyone else KEEP SPAMMING. I WANNA SEE BODY PARTS PEOPLE.

PART 2 - CAP 1



ATTACKING

1 Scout
2 Soldiers
1 Demo
1 Medic
1 Pyro

EVERYONE BUT THE SCOUT, run out of the base towards the second point - balls to the wall, gunz ablazin'. You are all a distraction, for the charismatic, handsome Scout. As you brave warriors march towards your inevitable deaths, the Scout (the Pink trail) will come up the side and solo everyone while their distracted.

DEFENDING

1 Medic
1 Heavy
1 Spy
1 Demo
1 Soldier
1 Engi

Engi places SG in the smack-dab middle of the stage. It'll be able to shoot at everything, plus the other team wont see it coming. Spy is next to the spawn gate, so he can backstab something useful to the other team like a Pyro or Scout , but NOT something useless a Medic or Heavy. Demo places stickies on the wall next to the health, so any injured players making a dash for the HP need to get glued back together, IN HELL. Heavy and Medic need to be standing on the freakin' point and constantly shooting in EVERY (360 DEGREES) direction. The Heavy is also required to keep voice command spamming to demoralize the other team. CRY SOME MORE. The Soldier can jerk off by himself somewhere in the map.

PART 2 - CAP 2



JUST DO IT.

PART 3 - CAP 1




ATTACKING

1 Scout
1 Pyro
2 Soldiers
1 Demo
1 Medic

Pyro needs to light up the starting area to get rid of any dirty gay French bastards spies. It really doesn't matter what the rest of the team does, since it's been determined that, IF the other team plays not like a bunch of retarded toddles with the heads up their collective asses halfway decent, it's PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN WHEN YOUR ATTACKING HERE. Both teams get caught in a deadlock, resulting in a PIME TARADOX.

DEFENDING

1 Scout
1 Sniper
1 Demo
1 Engi
1 Soldier
1 Medic

Engi can either, build his SG and Dispenser near the point - so the dashing, witty Scout will shut his goddam face about "Need a dispensa here!" OR the Engi can build near the enemy spawn's for the lulz.
Once again, the Demo needs to place ALL THOSE STICKIES IN THAT EXACT POSITION. IF EVEN ONE IS OFF BY A NANOMETER, RED HAS INCREASED THEIR CHANCES OF LOSING BY EXACTLY 0.00023%. But again, it's impossible to lose as Red here, so no biggie. The Sniper needs to be at one of the magnificently drawn crosshairs, in order to get the perfect "Bewm. Headshawt." (Piss jars not included). Every other class gets caught in the deadlock.

PART 3 - CAP 2

THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS CAP. BLU ALWAYS LOSES LOL.

GRAVELPIT

POINT B

Ok, First of all SCREW POINT A. NO ONE EVER DEFENDS IT. EVER. WE WILL ALWAYS GO FOR IT FIRST. ALWAYS.



ATTACKING

1 Scout
1 Engi
1 Medic
1 Demo
2 Soldiers

After capping point A, all Classes EXCEPT the sexy, (I can't think of anymore adjectives) Scout, need to RENDEVOUS ON THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING. Soldiers can rocketjump, Demos can sticky jump, Engi builds his dispenser, then a series of teleports to get to the roof. The medic uses the Engis UNTAMED TEXAS STALLIONS teleports. The heroic Scout then rushes from point C, enters through the backdoor (Scouts do it from behind), and distracts the dastardly Reds. The rest of the team on the roof leap down towars the point, simataneously screaming "SUPRISE COCKFAGS!" RAEP ENSUES AND THE POINT IS CAPPED.


DEFENDING

1 Scout
1 Engi
1 Soldier
1 Demo
1 Medic
1 Dondi

Actually, the class list for this is probably messed up.  All we really need is Dondi, and possibly the kickass Scout for good measure (mayyybbeee the Engi aswell). Stick Dondi on the roof of the building and instruct him to kill. Ta-da, point is defended. Also watch the rocks on the side, WE DON'T WANT THE ENEMY TRYING TO GET THE HIGH GROUND NOW DO WE? No we don't. Cause THAT'S how Nazi Germany got started.

POINT C

ATTACKING

1 Scout
2 Soldiers
1 Demo
1 Medic
1 Engi

Engi build the SG outside the enemys spawn, FOR THE LULZ OF COURSE. Everyone else runs, jumps, blasts, teleports, noclips, tears, hops, or hustles their fat little legs off to get to the Point.

DEFENDING



It's impossible. PERIOD. KILL YOURSELF.

Suicide Scoresheet

Knife - 1 point
Murder/Suicide - 2 points
Carbon Monoxide - 3 Points
Poison/Overdose - 5 points
Gun - 10 points
Hanging - 15 Points
Drowning - 20 Points
Jumping - 25 Points
Immolation - 50 Points
Chainsaw to the Face - 100 Points
Doing in on Film - 25 BONUS Points
Doing it over a Webcam - 50 BONUS points

GO FOR THE HIGHSCORE

AND SO, THAT WRAPS UP MOE FUGGAS AWESOME FOOLPROOF CAL STRATEGY GUIDES. I MAY DO MORE IF REQUESTS COME IN Cheesy HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.