How to talk like a newbPosted on: January 21st, 2009 by Scott Eats Bullets
So there you are, playing a game on this fancy “Newbs” server. You’re doing your thing, launching crit rockets into people’s faces, when you hear “Fatty in the sink room!” on the voice chat. Confused, you stop to ask what that’s supposed to mean, and get destroyed by a spy (he never really was on your side, don’t you know?).
Has this ever happened to you? Well now it doesn’t have to!
Rather than hang out with us and slowly learn what all the weird things we say mean, here’s a handy guide. We’ll have you talking about sink rooms and hairdryers in no time!
The first term we’ll cover has already been used a few times in this post, and if you play enough 2fort with the Newbs, you’ll hear it about 400 times per match.
The Sink Room is the area of the map right outside the courtyard.
The origin of this term has been lost in the sands of time (although I think the illustrious Koans R Us came up with it). So named for the sink that resides beside the doorway in the blue base, this room is the home of many epic battles. Most offensive pushes end here, ravaged by flames. Many briefcases are dropped here, ravaged by flames. Many pyros have died in this room, not on fire, but if pyros burned I’m sure they’d be ravaged by flames as well.
Fun fact: the red sink room doesn’t actually contain a sink. It does, however, contain a wagon wheel. Don’t go near the wagon wheel.
The next term we’ll cover isn’t native to Newbs, but we do use it a lot. Plus it segues into the next term nicely. So there.
A Fatty is a heavy weapons guy (and this is his weapon. It weighs 150 kilograms and fires 200 dollar custom-tooled cartirdges at 10,000 rounds per minute. It costs $400,00 dollars to fire this weapon for 12 seconds.) Sorry, lost my train of thought there. So yeah, fatty. Of “Eat it fatty!” fame.
The next term, however, is pure Newb.
A Hairdryer is sometimes better known as Natascha, the heavy’s unlockable minigun. So named for it’s high-pitched spinning sound. This term was the result of a conversation between myself, Dingo, and Hal Jordan. One of them contested that it sounded like an air conditioner, to which I replied it was more like a hairdryer. History was made.
Combining the last two, you get a Hairdryer Fatty, which is generally ineffective unless Hal’s the fatty. In which case you’re best off crying in the corner.
Moving on, we get another term that I’m not sure had its origin here, but you’re likely to hear it.
Saying “I’m faster” implies that you, not the scout, are the faster of the classes. This naturally makes you the ideal candidate to carry the intelligence. This phrase is often uttered by fatties, but also sometimes from soldiers or possibly pyros. I’m pretty sure Ggglygy was the one to popularize this, despite the fact he actually plays scout, and therefore really is faster.
A fatty who is faster can sometimes lead to a Fatty Cap, in which the intel is captured by a heavy. This is remarkable because, as the man himself will sometimes say, “Not usually my job”. I’m not sure who came up with this one, or if it’s even a Newbs native, but I know I’ve done my share of fatty capping. It’s the second most embarrassing thing in the game, right after getting sniped by a sniper who’s holding your intelligence.
There’s a subtlety to the fatty cap that bears explaining. If the fatty picks up the intel in his own base, there’s not much special about that. There’s not much danger to getting the cap, and if the fatty didn’t do it, somebody else would. No, to get the full effect of the fatty cap, you have to start from at least the enemy’s side of the bridge. Ideally, you start from the intel room, carry it the entire way, and cap while the enemy wonders how you’re evading their assault with your enormous bulk and snail-like run speed. Then you laugh, as you tear them asunder with crit punches, for you are heavy weapons guy, and THIS IS YOUR WEAPON!
Sorry, got carried away there.
Wrapping this up, we as Newbs have a rich lexicon, which can’t be encapsulated in one post. Therefore, you can probably expect more entries in the “How to talk like a newb” series.
Until then, this is Scott Eats Bullets saying “Pow! Ha ha!”